What follows is the emails between Ashley and myself on this subject. Friends-only, so don't go blabbing!

Ashley,
I miss you.
But I should tell you; I’m trying hard not to invest more of my heart in our relationship, on the offchance that you decide that you can serve God better by being single, but it’s really difficult. I don’t want to get hurt, and I’m having fears that I will. Its hard for me to be in a relationship with a woman who at any point might decide God wants her to be single.
You are an amazing woman, and I love getting to know you better. I really do desire to be with you: as a friend and companion. I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this. I guess I just want to be open with you, and I’m not sure how open I should be. Did we move too fast? Probably. And if taking it slower is what you need, then I want to do that. I’m just not sure of how. I don’t want to come between you and God, especially not you and God’s will for your life. If anything, I want to be a part of it. *sigh*. I know you’re busy, but sometimes I feel more like something tagged to the end of your life, rather than a real part of it--and I know that’s not your fault, its just cause we have independent lives and we don’t live relatively close to each other. I don’t know what else to say. This is just me rambling. I’m not trying to cause you or us any drama. Just saying whats been on my mind the past couple days.
Anyways, I hope you’re having a good evening, and I hope you get your room all packed up and ready for the move.
Take care, and I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon.

She responded:

Nick,
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I know this is hard for you and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. You are a really great guy and I have enjoyed the time we have spent together. I do think that we moved too fast- and I was very much apart of setting that pace. I too still want you to be apart of my life. I want to continue to get to know you- as my friend and companion, but in order to be faithful to God's calling in my life I think that may mean me not being in a committed relationship right now. I still want to date you- I enjoy our dates! I don't see this as a "break up"- you can still call me your girl friend if you want! I just think we need to slow down and take our time getting to know each other. I'm sorry I made a commitment to you that I cannot fulfill- that is my only reason for wanting to slow down- I know I cannot fulfill that commitment right now and that is not fair to you. I hope you understand. Do you? I want to see you this week. Let's plan to get together on Wednesday. Lets do brunch or something- I don't have to be at the church till 3.
I love you Nick!
Ash

Then I wrote:

Ash,
I understand, it’s just very hard for me. It almost sounds to me like you want the relationship, without having the responsibility of the relationship. Is that right? I’m just not used to dating someone without a commitment there, you know? Because whether or not the commitment is there on your side, I know I won’t be seeing anyone else and I know I’m going to continue to fall for you. *sigh* You are really awesome Ashley, and I don’t see how anyone could not want you in their life. But I do want you to be faithful to God’s calling—I just hope one day it includes me! LOL. I’d love to still be able to call you my girlfriend, but don’t you feel it would be inappropriate? Usually I think of those titles as a verbal symbol of a committed relationship. But if you feel differently, let me know. I don’t want to make things awkward for you, and I don’t know how you’re referring to me when you talk to other people.
I’d love to see you this Wednesday for brunch, if you’re not too busy(I know you have a lot to prepare for)
I love you too.

Then she wrote:

Nick,
I'm not trying to sound lazy or like a player here but I can't handle the responsibility of a relationship right now. That's why I'm saying its unfair for you for me to make that commitment to you and then fail miserably at it. Nick, I am a full time student AND a full time pastor- and somewhere in there i need time for myself, but because I made a commitment to you I am more likely to never give myself time, and do a half ass job on my work in order to spend time with you because that is a commitment I made to you...do you understand? This is why I'm asked for us to not be in a committed relationship right now! I can't handle that pressure- whether you put it there or not. Its not that I want to date other people, its that I am simply not ready for this.
I refer to you as Nick, the guy I'm dating. And that's what I still want to do- just less often- I need that flexibility. It might not look any different than it does right now, but I need that mental note of not being obligated to you.
I wish you could understand how difficult this is for me.
Ash


I'll leave you all to comment as you so desire.

Heres a quick conversation I had with a friend about my relationship with Ashley. This is a friends-only post, and for good reason.

Me:I dont think Ashley and I are gonna work
Friend: wha?!?!
Me:granted, I dont know for sure yet
Me:shes.. struggling
Friend: explain
Me: she likes being in relationships, but feels that she can serve God better by being single. Shes not sure what God wants her to do.
Friend: hrm
Me: she feels like she doesnt have the time to both serve God and adaquately be in a relationship
Friend: thats crappy
Me: so yeah
Me: there are alot of times I feel like I'm not really a part of her life, just something tagged on to the end of it
Me: So we'll have to see. Its very highly possible that she'll get over these issues, but something inside tells me it's not going to be very long before we break up
Friend: which isn't a good basis of a strong relationship
Friend: im sorry to hear that
Me: thanks.
Friend: what you up to?
Me: just relaxing before frasier and I get re-aquainted
Friend: sweet
Me: i'm mentally preparing myself
Friend: huh?
Me: and trying to unattach myself from Ashley
Friend: what do you mean?
Me: well, i figure since I know it's coming, if i start preparing now, then i wont have to *greive* for so long once it actually is over
Friend: i don't think you can prepare yourself for something like that
Me: I can try. And fraiser can help. :) He's def got alot of failed relationships. I'll pull my emotional responses from them
Me: lol
Friend: well here's a thought
Friend: why don't you break it off with her? i find it hurts much less when you do the breaking up instead of being broken up with
Me: I've thought about it
Me: but i care about her
Me: i dont want to end it if theres a slight chance she could get over her issues
Friend: i can understand that
Friend: but at the same time, why do you want to be with someone that has issues with the relationship early on? thats not a good sign for the future
Me: because if those issues clear up, everything would be ok.
Friend: my thinking... it wouldn't be, because those issues will always resurface
Me: i guess in all honesty i just dont want to let go yet
Friend: at least, thats my experience
Friend: that makes sense
Me: :) so we'll see what happens
Friend: i hope it works out... i know that she makes you happy
Me: Thanks. We'll see.

So today I spent the majority of the day with Ashley. She came over and officially met my dad(she shook his hand and I think he smiled and said hi) so that was pretty interesting. Then we went to lunch at Glory Days(I love thier nachos) and then we went shopping at Potomac Mills mall. Wow, it has been so long since I've been there! After that Ash and I headed back to Manassas to the bowling ally to surprise Matt for his surprise birthday party. So yes, you guessed it--Ashley met almost all of my friends! It was alot of fun. Hopefully I'll have pictures up soon, so you all can see us in all of our bowling action!

I should say--I'm sorry this entry sounds boring and rather non-detailed, but I am extremely tired right now, and I need to get up early for work tomorrow morning. I promise, a much better(and much more detailed) entry will follow. I just felt like I needed to post something now for all you readers who sit on the edge of your seat refreshing my LJ page for hours on end. ;)

*sigh* Every time we are together, I fall harder and harder for her.

I will write more later. I promise.

Ps: This video is perfect for anyone who owns, or is thinking about owning a Mac.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated my LJ. I posted core group notes last week, and before that I posted about Ashley and I becoming official, but thats been about it. Over a week without a solid update on my life. You all must have been going through withdraws. There were several times I thought about updating through my phone, but I was always in the car and the background noise would have been horrible.

Anyways...currently apartment life is going pretty good. Eric officially moved in last weekend, and so far, we've had a good roommate relationship. We don't see each other all that often, but I'm sure in the future there will be major guy time for us. Especially if I can convince him to come to Mosaic.

Work has been...stressful. Shelly's gone til Thursday on vacation, so I'm the one in charge. Personally, I think this was a bad week to leave, seeing as how theres so much stuff to do, but it's a major chance for me to prove that I can handle being a manager. And so far I can. I've gotten some major projects done, and I still have 2 days to finish other major projects. I'm excited about it, but really stressed. So pray for me everyone! This is just step one for me getting my own store, and I'm pumped!

Things with Ashley are going great!(at least, I think they're going great. If shes got a different opinion, she hasn't told me) She met my friend Matt the other day, and hopefully this week she'll meet some more. Shes been under the weather recently though, so pray for her. This coming thursday we will have been dating a month. Thats not a long time, but it's still exciting. We're going through(or at least, we're going to go through) a bunch of question books that will help us really get to know each other better. *sigh* Shes so awesome. And by awesome I mean great. And by great I mean wonderful. And by wonderful I mean...oh ok. Fine. I'll stop there. Didn't mean to get too mushy on ya. ;-)

Thats about it for this entry. Oh, one more thing to note--my mom canceled the FL trip at the end of July. So currently I have the 22nd through the 31st off and no plans. Anyone want to make plans with me? I smell a road trip coming up!

Oh, one final thing before I leave. It's been a while since I posted a comic on here, so heres one I'm 'borrowing' from Daniel's myspace.

Ok, so I'm about to leave for work, and I promise you all a much better update later, but I can't believe I forgot to mention this. As of Friday June 9th, I officially have a girlfriend.
*smile*

This post is sort of a continuation of the last post, where I promised you all more details concerning my perfect date with Ashley.

We started out meeting for lunch in Sterling, at the ABC. Very good food, its very quickly becoming my favorite place to eat.

After lunch, the main event happened. We drove to Middleburg, VA, to visit a winery and go through a wine tasting. I've never been to a wine tasting before. It was ALOT of fun. 12 different wines, each with their own unique flavor. I've decided that dry red wines are not for me. I tend to go for a light, citrus flavored wines. After the tasting Ashley bought us a couple of bottles of wine to take home with us(2 for me, 2 for her, and one to keep at my place for both of us to enjoy) We then bought 2 glasses of their patio red wine, and went outside to enjoy the day. It was beautiful. Sitting outside, mountains in the distance, just sipping wine and getting to know one another better. She is so much fun to talk to, I tried to just sit there and be quiet and enjoy the view, but I think I only managed it for a couple of minutes here and there(and even then I was gazing into her sunglass covered eyes instead of the mountains in the distance)I learn so much about her every time we talk, it's so great. Trading stories about our families, our friends, God, the Bible...it's wonderful. Eventually we decided to get up and leave, and just as we got up I hugged her. I'm pretty sure the hug lasted roughly half an hour, the two of us just holding each other, swaying in the breeze, still just talking to each other.

I had planned for us to meet up with the Mosaic prayer team once we got back to Manassas, but it was far too late, so we ended up having dinner with my mom instead. I was quite worried, because the whole way to Olive Garden my mom was not talking at all, but once we got there she opened up and her and Ashley chatted back and forth all evening. Oh and Ashley, if you're reading this: my mom says you're very nice and sweet, and you seem to be a good match for me. She also said she wants to spend more time with you.

After dinner(and once Ashley and I had dropped off my mom back home) her and I headed back to my apartment. We originally were going to watch some design tv show on HGTV, but that looked boring so we cuddled up and watched some Will and Grace. About 10 minutes into it we turned off the tv, cuddled up closer, and started reading some question books together. And there we stayed, until about 12 or 1am, just relaxing on the couch, watching Simon, and going back and forth answering questions. It was amazing. She actually has 2 more 'relationship/question' books that we're going to read together. It's something I've always wanted to do with a significant other, and this is the only time it's worked out.

The only thing lacking in this entire experience is pictures, and I swear I'm going to remember a camera next time. And to all my Mosaic peeps, if you're reading this: yes, she does exist, and you all will meet her soon.

A much, much more detailed update will follow in the morning, but I wanted to let everyone know that today(ie, my day-long date with Ashley) was perfect.

*sigh*

I need a stronger word than twitterpated.

I just finished watching the Nooma video I received for my birthday. It happened to be number six, entitled Kickball. It started out a bit....rough. I wasn't too keen on his way of story telling in this one, but towards the middle/end he brought it all together and it was really awesome. It was all about us, and how many times we ask God for things, and when he says no, we don't understand why, not realizing that he has something better in store for us. I can totally relate to that. I find myself wondering how many times I've prayed for something, cried over something, begged God to let me have something, and not realized that right across the street God had something even better, even more satisfying, waiting for me. I like this quote from the movie: Your question is, "How long, how long do I have to wait for this? When is God going to deliver?" and maybe God's perspective is, "How long till you see that there's a bigger perspective here?" Thats what it's all about, isn't it? Comforming our view and our will for our lives to God's view and God's will for our lives? Ofcourse, once we comform our views, then we get the even more difficult task of living it out. Ah, but those thoughts are for another day, and another LJ entry...

I just asked my sister if she wanted to go to the Burger King down the street and get me a milkshake. She told me I needed to be like Jerod--walk to Burger King, get my shake, and walk back. Then I could live on milkshakes, and become their spokesperson on their new commercials--That was me then...this is me now! I lost 200 pounds drinking Burger King milkshakes....Who's the King baby? I am! LOL, I love my sister.

I'm really looking forward to going to Mosaic tonight. I'm not sure who our speaker is though. We finally have a new young adult pastor, but we have no idea when he's going to be starting. And unfortunately for all of us, our websites don't say who our speaker is. Oh well--yay for a little mystery! Also, if I'm really lucky Ashley will be able to come with me tonight as well, but chances are I think she'll end up cancelling. It should be fun though. I wonder if we're gonna be doing anything afterwards? It's been a long time since I played volleyball. Last week they went to Nathan's(some diner-type place) for some ice cream, but as you all remember, I fell asleep in the parking lot. Thats not gonna happen this time! I haven't done much of anything today except read my bible, study up on the synoptic gospels, and watch the Nooma video. It's a very nice, very relaxing day. *sigh* I think I need some green tea.

Saturday... I worked. It was fun! (note the sarcasm) The best thing(and probably the funniest thing) happened after work when I got to go to Mosaic. Yay! Pastor Barry spoke, which was really awesome. He even used my name a couple of times in his sermon, which was very cool. One very funny thing to note--for worship we started singing "God send your fire" and 5 minutes later the fire alarms went off! Shortstack said she was gonna be sure to thank God for his sense of humor.
I was really tired Sat night though; begged out of getting ice cream with the rest of the group so I could go home and sleep. However I never made it there! I ended up falling asleep in the church parking lot...Eric the way awesome mateinence guy woke me up about 11pm...wanted to make sure I was ok, since he knows the cops patrol and he didnt want me getting in trouble.

Sunday was cool too. I overslept which means I missed Sunday school--that was probably the only bad thing that happened. The rest of the day was awesome! Wait...I take that back. I ended up working with a certain very old, very slow, very stupid person. That sucked. But what made it better? Ashley came by and had lunch with me! (ok, I had lunch, she watched me eat cause she already had lunch with her other pastors) We talked more. I love getting to know her. Shes a very interesting person. After work everyone gathered at the store to go to the work party. Now that was a trip! Piled in the car, being forced to listen to the radio as it blarred the nascar race. Grrr. However, another surprise was in store--turns out Ashley surprised me and decided to come to the party. It was bittersweet though, cause the only reason she could come was cause none of her youth showed up to paint(it was youth group night for her) so she had to cancel it. :( Sad! But I'm happy she was able to join me. It was...much fun. My boss acted like she was drunk(even though she swears she wasn't) and there was.. Kareoke. Which I sang. With a bunch of people. I've come to realize that even though the dance is really cool, I do not have the voice for "Thiller". Hehehehe. After the party Ashley came over to my apartment and we watched "2 Weeks Notice" I was planning on introducing her to Eric and Melissa, but they were headed to bed and I think Eric maybe got a quick glimpse of her--yes, shes real! I'm not making her up everyone! Ask my co-workers! They saw her too! LOL. All in all the night went really well--I'm definitely smitten with her.

Today I worked. It was hot. I was(and still kinda am) really sweaty. It's gross. Plus I learned that I really need to step up to the plate and get to store manager level soon--there may be openings in the near future, and if Ruth(shelly's boss) has to tell Wayne(her boss) that I'm not ready again, it could mean very bad things for me. They wouldn't fire me, but they would seriously question whether or not I have what it takes to be a store manager.

I'm posting another Sinfest comic. This one I find very amusing. Very amusing.

This entry may be a bit long, because there are several items of importance I felt needed sharing. I thought about using LJ-cuts, but decided againt it, for no real apparent reason.


So...first things first. Contrary to rumors going around(spoken or unspoken), Ashley and I didn't have sex. Not even close. I didnt get back from my date until 3am because the movie we went to see was 3 hours long(which by the way..Davinci code--so not worth it), and afterwards we talked for quite a while. Lets all remember this happened in Sterling, and with no traffic it takes about 35-40 minutes for me to get home. However, great communication is something I look for in a potential relationship, so it's good to know that aspect is there. As far as first dates go though, this one was practically perfect.

Secondly, you'd think I would have learned my lesson, but it appears once again my excitement about the potential my current social life holds has made me appear too over-eager and a little bit desperate. Nothing nearly as bad as last time(thank God) and luckily I have my boss to tell me point blank when I'm making a fool out of myself. I just need to remember that my excitement about potential relationships can definitely come off as clingly, desperate and over-eager. Which are all very bad things to a woman who wants to casually date for a while until deciding to take things to the next level. So I'm gonna try to relax, not be so persistant/pushy in my desire to see her, and basically just wait until shes ready to see me again. From what I've seen so far, Ashley has all the qualities I'm looking for in a woman, the last thing I want to do is freak her out and scare her off.

Next subject! The horrible and distasteful Sinfest comic I posted a while back. This is actually the first comic I've posted to recieve negative feedback. Is it funny? No. Is it shocking? Yes. Should it make you think? Yes. Regardless of how it's portrayed, Jesus did save the world by dying on a cross. The message is true. The medium may disturb you, but hey--you've remembered it. Life is not always so happy go lucky and pure. While the 'comic' might not have appealed to you, I'm sure there are many people out there who might not even know the gospel story, and this may be the first 'taste' of it. Who knows? Maybe this comic will drive some people to look up the subject or read a bible. Am I defending the artist? No. I'm merely giving you another viewpoint to consider. I will say I find it curious that you all jump at the comic you hate, while say nothing about another comic drawn by the same man with a completely different focus.

Moving on! X-Men 3. I won't spend too much time on this, due to the fact that I could potentially slip some spoilers into this post, but I will say I thought it was an awesome movie. You should go see it. And after you see it, make sure you sit through all the credits. For your patience you're rewarded with an extra scene.

Thats about it for now. I'm off to rest and relax before work tomorrow.

I'm tired, so I'll keep this short.

The date #1 was awesome. I can't wait til I can see her again.

'nuff said.

Wow. It's been what? Two, maybe even three weeks since I posted an actual real update? *Sigh* I feel bad about it folks, I really do. But I figured you all were getting tired of the same old 'i went to work and now I'm home' sort of info. Thought I'd wait til I had something fresh and new and awesomely interesting to report. Whats sad is that it's taken this long for something note-worthy to happen. I'll start with the usual, for you all who wonder about my day to day goings on.

Work has been ok. Really busy lately, but thats expected as our store works its way to becoming #1 in the district. Last week I spent 10 hours at another store, learning how to do inventory. It was easy, just very tiresome.

May 23rd has come and gone and I still don't have Season 1 of Boston Legal. But thats for a very good and important reason. I'm sure I'll get it eventually. On that note, major props to classyclvr. She knows why.

Eric moves in with me in less than a month! He's already taken to moving his stuff here on the weekends. I think it's gonna be a good arrangement. I'll get some extra money, he'll get a place to live closer to Melissa, and we'll both get to know each other better(since Melissa is very emphatic about him not going anywhere)

Something you all may find interesting--I'm actually going out on a date tonight. Her name is Ashley(incase you couldn't tell from the LJ-tags) Which in and of itself isn't all that 'wow' however, I should note that she is a methodist pastor(dun dun dun!) Thats right folks. I said Pastor. And shes a very attractive pastor. I would even go so far as to say a hott Pastor. I didn't even know there was such a thing! We're gonna go see The Da Vinci Code later this evening. I've never dated a pastor before. We've been talking online for about a month and we've had some pretty good conversations. I've only seen her a couple of times when shes come into my store to say hi, but apparently I've been 'checking her out' since I started working there last November. It'll be interesting to see where this goes. Because they're a public figure, dating a pastor is (from what I've been told) a completely different experience alltogether with a completely different set of rules. So I've got my fingers(and toes) crossed, and I'll let you all know how it goes. Meanwhile comments are always appriciated. For now though, I'll leave you with a brief aim conversation I had with my brother, the ever so wonderful and yet ever so crazy Nona the Ninja.

Me: so what are your thoughts on me dating a pastor?
Nona the Ninja: um isn't that against the rules
Me: shes not an AG pastor
Nona the Ninja: like dudes and dudes shouldn't go for it right?
Nona the Ninja: ohh its a SHE... lol


Thats all for now folks! Will Nick's date with Ashley be a bust? Will the movie suck? Will Nick ever talk about anything else besides work and his social life? Tune in next time! Same bat-time, same bat channel!